Relationships

V. POWER AND SHAME IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS

THEORY:

RELATIONSHIP SCENES

OBJECTIVE OBSERVATION

DEVELOPING EQUAL POWER WITH PARENTS/PARTNERS

AFFECT AND RELATIONSHIPS

AFFECT AND THE SEX DRIVE

IDEOLOGY AND RELATIONSHIPS

POWER AND INTIMACY

SOURCES OF SHAME

COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

TOOLS:

OBSERVING SCENES (NEEDS)

OBSERVING OTHER PERSON

MATCHING SCENES AND REALITY

STAYING DEFENDED

AFFECTS AND INTERPERSONAL NEEDS

INNATE AFFECTS	INNATE NEEDS

EXCITEMENT	RELATIONSHIP
ENJOYMENT	TOUCHING/HOLDING
SURPRISE	IDENTIFICATION
ANGER	DIFFERENTIATION
FEAR	TO NURTURE
DISTRESS	AFFIRMATION
SHAME	POWER
DISSMELL
DISGUST

GENDER SOCIALIZATION

MASCULINE
GENDER SCRIPT
FEMININE
GENDER SCRIPT

AFFECTS

EXCITEMENT
ENJOYMENT

SURPRISE
FEAR

ANGER
DISTRESS

DISSMELL
SHAME

DISGUST

INTERPERSONAL NEEDS

DIFFERENTIATION
RELATIONSHIP

POWER
TOUCHING/HOLDING

IDENTIFICATION

TO NURTURE

AFFIRMATION

AFFECT AND RELATIONSHIPS

ENJOYMENT                            CONTINUITY, COMMITMENT

EXCITEMENT                           NOVELTY, NEW PARTNERS

FEAR AND EXCITEMENT        PURSUING DANGER

SHAME                                       HIDING, AVOIDANCE, ENTERING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

FEAR AND SHAME                  ABANDONING RELATIONSHIPS

CONTEMPT                               DISTANCING OTHERS, SUPERIORITY, CREATING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

AFFECT AND THE SEX DRIVE

SEX DRIVE MUST BE FUSED WITH EXCITEMENT AFFECT:

EFFECTS OF SHAMING EXCITEMENT AFFECT

EXPRESSING THE CRY OF AFFECT

SAMENESS IN A RELATIONSHIP:

OVER TIME, EXCITEMENT WANES

FAMILIARITY AND SAMENESS:

INCREASE ENJOYMENT

USE OF FANTASY TO REKINDLE EXCITEMENT

AGING AND THE SEX DRIVE

SEX AND EXPECTATIONS

INTIMACY AND EXPECTATIONS

WHEN SEX OR INTIMACY EQUALS POWER

MULTIPLE SEXUAL PAIRING VS. SEXUAL MONOGAMY

SOURCES OF SEXUAL ADDICTION:

AFFECT INHIBITION, AFFECT HUNGER, AND SEX AS A DE-INHIBITOR OF SUPPRESSED AFFECT

AFFECT PROMISCUITY AND SEXUAL PROMISCUITY

DISPLACEMENT OF AFFECT INTO SEX

SOURCES OF SHAME IN RELATIONSHIPS

BODILY CHARACTERISTICS AND APPEARANCE

ATTITUDES OF BEAUTY

AGING

USE OF MASTURBATION

USE OF FANTASY DURING SEX

SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO OTHERS

JEALOUSY

SEXUAL BETRAYAL

FEELING NEGLECTED OR TAKEN FOR GRANTED

RESPONDING TO SHAME IN YOUR PARTNER

WHEN YOU HAVE TRIGGERED SHAME IN YOUR PARTNER

REENACTING EACH OTHER'S SCENES:

INNER PARENTAL VOICES

INNER CHILD SELF

REENACTING THE SCENE ITSELF

RE-SCRIPTING THE SCENE

RESOLVING ANGER AS EQUALS

1. ANGER POLARIZES INDIVIDUALS

2. ANGER RECRUITS PAST GRIEVANCES VIA SCENE INTRUSION

3. MAINTAINING EQUAL POWER IS CRUCIAL

4. VERBAL EXPRESSION OF ANGER DISSOLVES INTO GRIEVANCE RETRIEVAL FROM THE PAST

5. SKILL IN SIMILARITY DETECTION REACTIVATES PRIOR ANALOGOUS SCENES

6. CONSCIOUS AWARENESS IS KEY, ALONG WITH RESISTING TENDENCY TO BRING UP PAST EVENTS

7. AGREE TO STOP GRIEVANCE RETRIEVAL, THEN ACKNOWLEDGE MISTAKES AND APOLOGIZE

8. OWNING FEELINGS VS. BLAMING OTHER PERSON

9. GIVE "I" MESSAGES, NOT "YOU" MESSAGES

10. AVOID GENERALIZING FROM SPECIFIC OCCURRENCES TO MAKING GLOBAL ACCUSATIONS

11. OWNING FEELINGS THAT ARE DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO THE OTHER'S BEHAVIOR MINIMIZES SHAME, PRESERVES MUTUAL RESPECT, AND MAINTAINS EQUAL POWER

12. PULLING POWER BY MAKING THREATS: ACTIVATES POWERLESSNESS

13. THE ULTIMATE THREAT: THREATENING TO LEAVE

14. USE OF PHYSICAL FORCE: POWERLESSNESS IS THE PRINCIPAL ACTIVATOR OF VIOLENCE

15. AGREE TO DISCONTINUE THE ARGUMENT AND THEN SEPARATE FROM ONE ANOTHER

16. CONSCIOUS AWARENESS AND AGREEMENT ON RULES FOR ARGUING ASSURE EQUAL POWER

MATCHING EXPECTATIONS IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

1. COMMITMENT TO THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP

2. SHARING THE POWER AND NEGOTIATING AS EQUALS

3. RESOLVING ARGUMENTS AND ANGER AS EQUALS

4. COMPATIBILITY OF SEXUAL PRACTICES/DESIRES

5. RELATING TO OTHERS AS A COUPLE VS. RELATING AS INDIVIDUALS

6. SEXUAL ATTRACTIONS/ENCOUNTERS OUTSIDE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP

7. HAVING SEPARATE INTERESTS

8. TIME TOGETHER VS. TIME APART

9. MERGING FINANCES VS. KEEPING FINANCES SEPARATE

10. DIVIDING RESPONSIBILITIES AT HOME

11. MANAGING DUAL CAREERS

12. MUTUAL INTEREST IN HAVING CHILDREN

13. COMPATIBILITY OF CHILD REARING PHILOSOPHIES

14. HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER'S FAMILY

15. NEED FOR RELIGIOUS/SPIRITUAL EXPRESSION

16. COMPATIBILITY OF FUTURE DREAMS